When I moved to New York, the balloons for the Macy's Day Parade were set up down the street from me. I loved the crowds that would gather to see them for two days beforehand, the same crowds that most New Yorkers loathed. I would wake up at the crack of dawn in order to visit the bodega to buy snacks and coffee, then plant myself on the curb to watch the parade. Even though I had no place to go for the actual meal, I felt like I had celebrated by taking part in a proud tradition.
Two years ago, my boyfriend Alex and I went up to Canada for Thanksgiving weekend. I didn't score a big meal, but I bagged myself a fiancé. We had a great engagement party, and I will forever equate Thanksgiving with the love and joy that my husband brings to my life. Last year, we went to my husband's step-father's daughter's house in Connecticut for Thanksgiving. It was my first Thanksgiving celebrated with family, and I finally experienced firsthand what all the hoopla is about.
But this year, I am not feeling so excited about Thanksgiving. We are headed down to Houston to spend the holiday with Alex's step-parents and 25 other family members. The thing is, I feel out of place, and not because I am Canadian. Part of it is that the family is so big. I feel like I get lost in the shuffle. No one seems to have time to talk to me, and come to think of it, they never really have. I feel like I am nothing more than an appendage of my husband, and it makes for a very lonely meal amongst 25+ people.
I know that another part of Thanksgiving is staying with family. But a foreign home poses great challenges for a family with young children. How is Aiven supposed to nap with a house full of loud voices? How is he going to run around when nothing is child proofed? We appreciate the hospitality, but what I would really be thankful for is a babysitter so I can eat during the meal, or at least just breathe.
After Thanksgiving, we are staying in Houston for a couple of days so Alex can catch up with old friends. This is also causing me anxiety because whenever we get together with his high school friends I really can't reminisce with them about the good ol' days. I always try to befriend my husband's friends, but I feel that some of them see me as an intruder. Alex says it's because they are still nerds at heart and don't know how to behave around women, nor kids for that matter. He tells me I shouldn't take it personally, but it's hard not to.
Thanksgiving is my husband's favorite holiday, and I want to help make it special for him. For Alex, Thanksgiving is a time to bond with family and an opportunity to take account of one's life and express gratefulness for one's blessings. And yet, as much as people have bemoaned the commercialization of Christmas, I think the same has happened to Thanksgiving. Families and friends may be gathering for Thanksgiving, but if they are not connecting at a deep emotional or spiritual level, I hardly see the point. Are families having conversations with each other, or are they clustered around the TV? Are the kids upstairs and the adults downstairs, or is everyone playing games together? Is each person around the table asked what they are thankful for, or are we just mindlessly stuffing our faces?
I want my husband to be right. I want this holiday to be special. I want to feel at home in someone else's home and feel like family in someone else's family. I know Alex's family and friends have their hearts in the right place, and I need to remember to keep mine in the right place, too. This Thanksgiving, I'm probably not the only one who needs to be reminded to focus on being thankful for what we have rather than dwelling on what we don't. That being said...anyone know of a good babysitter in Houston?
I just read your post on Kveller and can't understand what about this would cause them to want to divorce you. I read this and see a window into someone's fears. If anything, if I were related, I would have found a way to make you more comfortable.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, my in-laws read an older blog of mine and always came away thinking I was somehow criticizing them. Maybe it's just the nature of the analytic and introspective people (bloggers) against ... well, I don't want to feed into their egos with the words I am thinking of for their behavior.
I read both posts as well and don't see anything remotely wrong with saying you felt out of place because it's a large family gathering (been there) and the traditions were new (done that) and worried about your child (got the t-shirt). You didn't say they were uncaring dangerous people who mistreat you....although maybe that is the image they thought you were putting out? My husband got the divorce suggestion too. Because hey, that's what normal people do right? Divorce someone because they don't like something that was said or written. (I hate to see what actual steps would be taken in more dire situations).
ReplyDeleteThank you both for your comments. Your words support me and bring me comfort. :)
ReplyDeleteMe three. I'm also over here because of your IL post.
ReplyDeleteIt's so sad that instead of reading this as an attempt to connect with them, they choose to read malice into it, and then they tried to ruin your life.
Cara, I also read your post on Kveller. You sounds like a wonderful person and if they can't see that... well, leave them and try your best to enjoy your life with your own little family :)
ReplyDeleteI completely understand how you're feeling only-it's my own parents (long story...). Stay strong and keep being true to yourself... and enjoy your new puppy!
Have I got a bulletin board for you:
ReplyDeletehttp://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dealing_with_the_inlaws_and_foo_family_of_origin
Totally come visit us on the DWIL board on BabyCenter. :)
ReplyDeleteThis post is NO reason to be offended. It is an honest depiction of your anxieties about the holiday.
I second the invitation to the DWIL board on BabyCenter. There is nothing offensive here. If anything I would have seen this as a great opportunity to approach you and try to build a closer relationship and create traditions that would bring the family together.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry your husband's family chose to behave the way they did. They could have seen your honesty about your anxiety and chose to make sure you would never need to feel that way around them again....
ReplyDeleteI am wondering, though, was their "sudden" hatred of you really something that happened suddenly all because of this Thanksgiving post, or if you look back on things, do you see/feel that they didn't like you much from before? I am only asking because you say you received a 9 page hate-filled letter.
It seems to me they have been building up a hatred for you but you never did anything to cause them to justify voicing their hatred to your husband... Until this Thanksgiving post where they twisted the meaning of your words to finally get to show how they have always felt about you.
Anyhow, please visit that babycenter link to tell us about your experiences about all of this- the members, including myself, will welcome you with open arms, and in turn, you can feed our llamas-our drama llamas (you can find out what a drama llama is when you visit us)
:)
Hope to see you on DWIL soon! Enjoy that puppy!
ReplyDeleteHooray for you for taking in a homeless pet! You saved the dog's life when you chose to adopt instead of purchase a puppy.
ReplyDeleteand good for you to protect and distance yourself from people who would berate you to the tune of nine pages. Holey Moley.
I really don't see anything in this blog post that would cause your in-laws such emotional strife! They definitely overreacted but I wonder if you've ever shared these feelings with them, prior to writing the blogpost? Maybe it's the public nature of this post that really set them off, and being caught off-guard. They probably have never considered what it must be like for an "outsider" to come into such a large family and attend an event such as this. But if they weren't willing to be the bigger, more mature party, then maybe it's all moot in the first place.
ReplyDeleteYour in-laws are crazy. I live in Houston. If you ever really need a babysitter here, call The Motherhood Center or Morningside Nannies. They have countless lovely ladies to help you!
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for putting your fears out there to talk about openly. This is something TONS of people have to deal with but never have an outlet to say for fear of the backlash that you got from his family. It's not about them. It's about how you feel and learning to deal with a big family in big numbers; add young kids to the mix and that is tough for anyone to deal with. More power to you!
ReplyDeleteIt's a shame they just couldn't say, "We feel awful that you feel so abandoned. Let's get to working on building a better relationship. Just wish we'd have heard it directly from you rather than read about it on the web" Then we'd probably see a future blog post about how terrific they are and how you are looking forward to future holidays.
ReplyDeleteBut no, they had to take the lowest road and they validated why you've been feeling this way all along. This behavior has been lying dormant and just waiting for any excuse to act the way they have. I can see why they may feel embarrassed by your post but not to act like they did.
They are not worth the time to worry over. Celebrate the fact that they gave you a good reason to never have to go there for Thanksgiving or anything ever again.
Jen, you've hit it exactly.
ReplyDeleteAnyone who would attempt to break up my marriage would be delivered a hearty "fuck you" and a LEGITIMATELY offensive invitation to kiss my ass.
Oh and hey from the frozen motherland!